ONE EASY LESSON: Lepidoptera & Violence #PGat35

IMPORTANT: This review contains SPOILERS. Massive great honking ones. If you haven’t ever seen Press Gang (Seriously?! Are you a KD?!!!  What are you even doing here reading this, you fool?!  Click right on over to Amazon, buy yourself the complete series boxset and remedy that situation immediately before you read any further…) #CommissionsEarned

So what are we to make of a girl who has calculated the average time her English teacher takes in the toilet? (Six minutes, for those keeping notes.) That’s hardly normal behaviour by any standard, is it?

The gloriously off-beat opening to this episode adds a bizarre twist to the unashamedly complex Lynda/Sullivan dynamic unveiled here. True enough, there is no Spike/Lynda action in this episode, but since Sullivan has such a key role to play in Lynda’s development, it is important that some time is devoted to learning how they interact. It’s fascinating to see the lines blurring between teacher and pupil, although one of the functions of this episode is surely to remind us that Lynda is still at school, and she still has homework to do just like everyone else.

In the newsroom, Frazz is playing out a twisted version of Monty Python’s Spanish Inquisition sketch to the new recruits, unaware that someone is lurking in the stacks benefiting from his wisdom. But really we should be asking ourselves exactly why it falls to Frazz to provide the induction talk… and if ScaryZombieShoulderPadsGirl really is a smart addition to the team.

Tiddler makes her debut – effectively the Junior Gazette stowaway – displaying an alarming amount of self-confidence for one so small. There’s a real joy in her first exchange with Lynda, who clearly recognises the futility of arguing with someone hatched from the same podlet as herself. And later, even in long-shot, there is a gleeful satisfaction when she passes on the “not bad” judgement. It is a great shame that Tiddler never really go to realise her full potential.

Colin launches CME’s first project with amazing inventiveness, although it’s interesting to note that the motivation for his blistering marketing campaign derives from Lynda’s threats rather than any considered business plan for making cash from his bargain-basement purchases. Securing the bargain was the important thing here for Colin, blinding him to all else.

Julie attempts to contribute something other than graphics to the paper – and a good job too, since judging by what we see of her artistic skills, she’s not playing to her strengths. As she proudly unfurls the “pong” poster for Colin’s approval, his nostrils flare alarmingly: no words required. [And as a note for the future: Colin has the upper hand in this relationship now. Things will change a couple of years down the line…] The pings spread prolifically, attaching themselves to every free surface and assuming multiple guises throughout this episode, and beyond…

Back at school, notable mention must go to David Collings’ cameo as headmaster Mr Winters. It’s pretty damn cool that character actors of his calibre will show up for a non-speaking part, although of course, he does get more to do later in the series. In the classroom, it is the oiks imported from Grange Hill who appear to be causing all the problems, but Spike and Frazz team up to terrorise the little ones in the name of fair play. It seems unlikely that bullying in any form would be condoned in this way on television today, and even though it’s all in a good cause, it does make somewhat uncomfortable viewing in 2024.

One continuity point: both Danny and Sarah appear to refer to the school secretary as Miss Jessop, even though she’s clearly credited as Miss Hessope. We must assume this is just their lousy Norbridge diction.

Lynda has cause to visit Matt Kerr’s office again, and we witness a fascinating dynamic developing.

Kerr initially shows (admittedly well-concealed) signs of approving Lynda’s editorial approach, and although Lynda is clearly unhappy with his choice of phrase, she immediately adopts it herself.  Later, when things have gone badly for Knowles, Kerr is encouraging Lynda to do the right thing and make a difference, although makes a point of not telling her exactly what the right thing is.  And all the while in his office, they are dancing around each other in a way that hints at something else entirely…

As this is the first issue-led episode, it is perhaps inevitable that the best bits are the window dressing and not the message. However, Adrian Edmonson is inspired casting here, bringing an incidental frisson to the proceedings. After all, this is a man who had created a career from rampant anarchic violence presented in the name of entertainment. How can we help but wonder if he will at any moment transmogrify into Vyvyan Basterd and smash some sense into the little brats with the assistance of a breeze block nailed to a cricket bat?

Alas, it is not to be. Mild-mannered Simon Knowles ably presents the human face of teaching and delivers a tutorial in the power of self-confidence. One imagines that this is marvellous entertainment for any teachers watching, all nodding sagely to themselves at the wisdom of the lesson, but I can’t help thinking that perhaps your average CITV viewer might have learned more from the cricket bat…